Douhe Re-Dux

Well, it's the start of the baseball season, and if you read "The Day" in New London, CT, you'll notice that Mike Dimauro is at it once again. He has this "blog," which, I have to tell you, isn't all that different than his "columns," and it's basically all about how he hates the Red Sox. It really has nothing to do with his favorite team, "The Yankees," but more to do with him hating the Red Sox.  (Check it out at theday.com and then scroll down to where you see a picture of a douche bag who hasn't kissed a girl. That's pretty easy to find. He's under the "blog" section and the "column" section.)

It's too lengthy to describe how big of a douche bag this guy really is. His  "blog" (and this is attached to a NEWSPAPER in SE CT where most of the baseball fans are Red Sox fans!) today is entitled "Shut your Yap, Pap." Which of course, he thinks is clever. Then again, he also thinks it's clever to have references from 30 years ago and to use the same tired cliche each time. 

According to his "biography" he's married. Has to be a yahoo.com/personals thing. Has to. This is a guy who tops out at 5-6, and makes Rudy look like Jacoby Ellsbury in terms of athletic ability. And, he has a speech impediment. Big time. But the way he insults everyone, you'd think he's the coolest, hippest guy on earth. I guess this is what's called "Making up for it." 

Anyway, today's bullshit is about how Red Sox reliever Jonathan Paplebon apparently had a problem with the way the Red Sox were introduced on opening day. I had no idea this was an issue. I read the Globe & Herald each day, and completely missed this story. 

Well, Douchebag Dimauro just goes on this long rant about how much of an asshole Paplebon is. The funny thing is, nowhere in his incoherent, "God I wish I could tie my shoes without hurting myself" babble, does he address Jobba the Hut Chamberlain loading himself up with liquor, then putting himself and others in harm's way?

Of course not. Nope, he goes on some non-sensical, bullshit rant about Paplebon. Whom he obviously wants to bang. And seriously? He wants to bang him. Him and Pedroia. This guy Dimauro can't go two articles without trashing either one of those guys. I guess because Paplebon is better than Rivera and Pedroia is better than whoever-the-hell-plays-second-for-the-Yankees. 

Anyway, the depths of douchiness of Dimauro are unbelievable. And it would be one thing if he were respected. He's not. He's the cowardly lion. Or he might be the scarecrow, because he doesn't have that much of a brain either. I don't know. 

I just know that I can see him in his basement, bottles of empty wine bottles strewn around, cock in hand, jerking off to the latest "Yankeeography" of Mark Texiera. And after that, he can get a tape (Don't think they had DVD's back then) of the 2000 Yankees winning the pennant. And Roger Roids leading the way. 

What a fucking douche bag. 

Massorrottie.

Or whatever the hell his name is. It DOESNT MATTER what his name is...

Anyway, he wrote an article on 5/15/08. He basically says, "Okay, we fucked up at the Herald. We reported on a story in which there was supposedly tape of a walk through that the Pats made of the Rams before SB 36, and, he, he, we were wrong....."

But the great part is, after that, he goes Private Pyle on everyone. He basically says:

• Well, if BB can get away with just brushing shit off (which we normally crucify him for!), then we're doing the same thing: It is what it is.
• Everyone who defends the Patriots is a douche bag. Or a loser. Or untalented.
• Anyone who blogs is a douche bag. 

Here's the funny part: The HERALD fucked up. What BB understood, knew, and did, is a matter for interpretation. What the Herald did (reporting a story with no evidence at all other than one person saying some shit) is absolutely wrong. 

But he glosses over it. That's the press for you. A way to say "I'm sorry" and "fuck you" in the same sentence. They're the criminal who got caught and says he's sorry, but really, is more sorry that he got caught. 

Tony Massarotti. I've gone on the "white, out of shape, geeky, average sized, uncoordinated, picked-last-for-kickball writer" before. So basically, that's Tony Massarotti. That also describes half the reporters out there. Basically, here's how reporters breakdown:

1. The decent ones who aren't out to just do hit jobs on guys. Peter May would be a good example. 
2. The ones who are jealous of the guys coaching and playing the game. The ones who wish that no one could jump or run, and that the game was all about disembodied things such as will. That's your Shanks, your Massarottis. The ones that actually think that if given the chance, they could probably coach the team.
3. The ones that are pissed that the athlete standing in front of them, who couldn't conjugate a verb more than they could name one of the first 10 amendments to the constitution, is making more money doing the interview then reporter is for the entire year. 

Basically, they're either jealous, pissed about money, or wishing they could get their "shot." 

Massarotti is no different. It existed 50 years ago. "Knights of the keyboard," is what Ted Williams called them. 

Douche bags is what I call them. 

2005 Redux.

I'm getting a 2005 feel for the Red Sox. The only difference being that this year they have a legit #1 starter, although, I'm not sure if Beckett will ever pitch again. We're like 25 games into the season, and he's pitched 3 times. Great....Buckholz is legit. So he gave up a dong in the 8th. Big deal. He was throwing in the low  to mid 90's the whole game, had good command of three pitches, and settled down nicely after the first 2 or 3 innings....Is Varitek going to get a meaningful hit this year? Just wondering.....

Perkins is killing me

Not sure how to say this politely, but how does Perkins stay in the game? Ever? I mean, if he brings the ball down one more time to his knees, only to either get it blocked or not be able to finish, I'm throwing the remote through my $3K HDTV....So the Hawks beat the Celtics. They had confetti falling at the end of the game. Al Horford was talking shit to Pierce at the end of the game. Pierce had a look on him like a serial killer. I think he might actually kill Horford and eat his liver on Monday. Or, you know, he might drop 40 on him. Either way, he'll be pissed...Leon Powe is still on the Celtics, right? Eddie House didn't get traded in between games 2 and 3, right? Just checking. 

Bandwagon fans

Okay, I'm here to set the record straight, and this is very important for a variety of reasons, the following two being the most pertinent: 1) There has to be at least 1, maybe 2 people reading this; 2) It's about sports. Therefore, the ramifications of this subject go far beyond sports and into life itself. (Smell that? It's sarcasm.) 

Bandwagon fans. The "bandwagon" fan. In RedSoxLand they are referred to as the "Pink Hats." I'm sure there's a name for them in PatriotLand, maybe "Pink Brady's." I don't know. But here's one interesting thing: Every team has "bandwagon" fans. Every team in the history of any sport has "bandwagon" fans. And here's how I know this: Every team in the history of sports has sold out at one time or another. And every team in the history of sports has NOT sold out at one time or another. 

Assuming every fan during the sellout times was a "hardcore" fan, or, my favorite term, a "true" fan, how come that team didn't sell out every game? The answer is simple: the "bandwagon" fans are the ones that constitute sellouts.

Look, here's what I'm saying: You can't sell out unless you have the fans that aren't hardcore fans. There's simply not enough numbers for a team to be shitty all the time and for fans to say "Yeah, I can't wait to go back again!!" There will always be a certain percentage. Maybe 50 to 60%. But they aren't enough to sell out the building or venue. 

Enter Ms. Pink Hat, and her cheering at the wrong time at Fenway, and getting up too many times and at the wrong times, and having no clue when to make noise or when to shutup or when to boo a bad move or just in general having no clue. Annoying isn't it? But necessary. 

I would love to be able to go to Fenway like you could ten or eleven years ago and get game day tickets at face value somewhere within shouting distance. But those days are gone. And yes, it's because of the bandwagon fan. 

But the bandwagon fan is a by-product of success. They don't show up to shitty teams. Which is why the Raiders are rarely ever on TV in Oakland and the surrounding area. They suck. The ubersuck. They suck my will to live. The reason why the Bay Area just doesn't all into the Pacific is because the Raiders suck. Consequently, you can get tickets on game day. Hell, I called to ask what time the game was, and they said, "What time can you get here?"

This is all due to the fact that they suck. Eventually, Haley's comet will return, and the Raiders will get good again. (This will also coincide with Britney understanding moderation; Dan Shaughnessy saying something positive about the Red Sox in his columns; and my ex getting hit by a car). And, you won't get any tickets to the games. Know why? Because all the people who thought "I'm not watching this, they suck. Call me when they don't suck" are now coming back around. 

And you know what? IT MAKES SENSE!! I'm cursed with liking my teams no matter what. You have any idea how shitty it was to go to Oakland once every year to watch the Celtics vs. the Warriors and also spend $200 on the NBA package so I could watch the Celtics suck the big one? Seriously. It was year after year of them looking like a bunch of blind men trying to screw a football. 

But, every year, there I was forking over the $$$ for the right to watch my team get humiliated. And now, I'm finally rewarded with this season. But, I can't go to games in Boston if I visit the east coast.

You know what? Oh well. What would you rather have? A shitty team that you can walk up and get great seats for, or, a great team that it's almost impossible to get tickets for? I guess what I'm saying is, bandwagon is directly tied into how good your team is. People want to see good teams, not shitty teams.

So, good job to all those 10,000 "hardcores" in Kansas City, I'm sure the 30th year in a row of not making the playoffs is no big deal, meanwhile, I'll watch my Red Sox from my living room and enjoy the fact that they are most likely going to the playoffs again. 

The price of success. 

4/12/08

Red Sox. I know it's early for this, but I have that 2005 feel a little. The euphoria of winning the title, and the idea that the Sox are more "stacked" then they were last year. Eeesh. In '05, they had to rush Wells to the mound to start vs. the Yankees on Opening Day. He pretty well sucked from day one, he fit in to the club house the same way Johnny Damon's hair fit into the Yankee clubhouse, and they slugged their way to the wildcard before tapping out in round 1. Not good. This year, Beckett is hurt, so we rush (sorta, with the baby) Dice-K to the mound, and he wins, but it didn't feel comfortable with Beckett out. The Sox have played 11 games and Beckett has pitched one game. A loss. This sucks....So what have we learned? Uh, nothing. Papi is in a slump, the Sox can't hit in the clutch, and maybe they should have traded Ellsbury for Santana after all. I don't know. I always worried that he got a lot of "accidental" hits to left. I kept thinking "why doesn't the opposition just play the LF in and take their chances." They are starting to do that a little more. He looks overmatched at times. Ugh. But it's only game 11. We'll be fine. Really.

Celtics. Are they still playing? Just kidding. If Garnett doesn't win the MVP, I'm calling BS on the whole thing. It's not "guy who scores the most point and is flashy and entertaining award." It's the Most Valuable Player. Think of it like this: The Celtics go on the road to play, among others, the Suns and the Warriors. They lose to the Suns by 8, I believe, and lose to the Warrior on a last second buzzer beater by Baron Davis. In both those games, Garnett was coming off the ab injury, clearly wasn't 100%, and Doc kept his minutes down. When the Celtics played the Warriors at home and Garnett wasn't injured, it was a 20+ blowout in favor of the Green. And when they recently played the Suns, same outcome. That, and the other team stats (going from worst defensive team to best defensive team, one of the worst records to the best record, having two or three winning streaks of 9+ games, etc) make it a landslide in favor of Garnett. That said, your MVP: Kobe. Why? Guys don't want to date the good looking girl, who is funny, smart, creative, nice, cares about you. They want to date the underwear model with the huge knockers, hot stomach, nice butt, and toned legs, who's 23. Garnett doesn't fit into that category. That's LeBron, that's Kobe, that's the flashy guys. How does that usually turn out when guys go for zero depth? Right. But, that's how these 50 year old white guys, with the pot bellies, the need for free buffets, and zero understanding of the game will vote when it comes time. Garnett will finish either third or fourth behind: KobeLebron (same guy really), and Chris Paul Fred Bill..whatever his name is. Fourth. 63 wins and counting=fourth. God.

Patriots. I can't do it. The wounds are still too sensitive. I can still remember leaving the stadium and hearing "18-1, 18-1..." Bastards.